i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee