My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”