As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.