I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Ain’t no way
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.