Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house