If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
dogs can find happiness so easily
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)