I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!