Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Not helping
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Anyone really
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too