I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together