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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Breaking news:
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide