[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
mentally somewhere in italy
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Something Saturday.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO