I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Why are bridges so flammable.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
That’s fair
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.