Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.