Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
And bowling should be called pinball
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too