Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”