Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
God has left this place
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.