Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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The symmetry is uncanny.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.