[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
You Might Also Like
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.