If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
December birthdays be like…
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha