I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.