Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Strangers have the best candy.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea