I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw