If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
You Might Also Like
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
🖤✌🏽
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.