ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.