It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers