Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
the council will decide your fate
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger