Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
This is true.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Support your local cemetery
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback