I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.