Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You Might Also Like
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Watson was Holmes schooled
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
what day is it?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”