“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.