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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.