Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”