My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”