My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.