5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
i was baptized in a car wash
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password