It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex