Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*