“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You Might Also Like
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone