Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You Might Also Like
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
This meeting could have been a cake
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.