[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her