We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
the best thing i’ve ever made
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing