Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Breaking news:
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.