A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Choose your fighter
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”