My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.