HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
britain’s three elite institutions
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
umm…
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Y’all ready for this
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.