I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question