Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Print is alive and well!!!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.