Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.