[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.