“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.